I’m ready to fully admit that I’m a proud Pinterest user. I think it can be an incredibly useful tool for people like me, who from time to time, can’t come up with an original idea to save their lives. It’s a form of social media that is much easier to weed out the crap you don’t feel like being spammed with, as opposed to Facebook. However, every now and then a lame ass pin will slip through the cracks and demand your attention. Sort of like the little kid in grade school that always smelled like he just shit his pants, but was totally insistent that you played with him at recess. The more you ignored him, the more he ran around you, wafting the smell of fresh shit in his underroos until you just gave in suggested a lovely game of hide-n-seek.
Yeah, it’s just like that.
This is what slipped through the cracks.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not your run-of-the-mill chick. I’d rather watch Soprano’s reruns, than watch The Notebook (sorry Ryan. You’re still hot though.) I’d prefer to listen to gansta rap than listen to sappy love songs. I don’t need my husband to reassure me constantly or hold my hand in public. Basically, I’m pretty much a man, with a couple of key differences, anatomically speaking.
So naturally, when I saw the above pin in my feed, I was all “The fuck?” It reeked of shit, just like that grade school boy, and it demanded my attention. Out of sheer curiosity I clicked the pin to see what was inside, and I immediately thought to myself “Is this real life?”
I won’t go through all 32 stay at home date ideas, because frankly I’d rather stick my dogs paw up my ass, and that would just be bizarre and probably somewhat painful. I will only list a select few of these ideas, as I would surely lose reader interest otherwise.
1. Play “would you rather”.
Uh, lets not. I can totally see how that would play out around here.
Brent – “Would you rather clean the entire house naked (bonus points if you wear titty tassels) while you simultaneously cook me a 5 course meal , OR would you rather play with my balls?” Then he would point to the 13 balls Blake has scattered around the living room floor.
2. Watch a sports game together.
Fuck that. Did a man come up with this genius list?
3. Decorate mugs for each other. “You can pick up mugs at the dollar store and decorate it. It will be a fun reminder of how much you love each other.”
Seriously? I would just draw a huge penis on his mug, and it would look like a 4 yr old drew it, because I suck at crafty shit. How would that remind him of how much I love him exactly?
4. Make marshmallow guns and have a marshmallow fight.
I’m fairly certain if I’m staying home with my husband on a “date night” he would most likely come up with something else for me to blow on, other than an old piece of PVC pipe from Lowes. We also aren’t 5. No offense.
5. Host a book club. “Check out two copies of the same book and discuss it as you read it.”
Great. Our date night has turned into Oprah’s book club now. That’s hot.
Do people really do this stuff? Do they ENJOY these types of activities? Am I abnormal? Are there groups of men suffering through this shit on a regular basis? Because if they are, I feel like we need to help them. Maybe make a commercial or something. We can scroll pictures of their sad, defeated faces as a melancholy Sarah McLachlan tune plays in the background.
I suppose I shouldn't be sexist. Maybe there are men out there who are suggesting these very ideas to their wives. Who knows? All I know is that I’m extremely thankful that I’m not married to one of them.