I'm baaaaaack, and I should come equipped with one of those warning labels

Disclaimer: This particular post is going to be filled with angst, rage, and a whole lot of fury. It will most likely contain some obscene language as well. I realize that this is abnormal for me. (ahem) If you are the kind of person who walks around 24 hours a day with rainbows shooting from your ass, I'm going to lay odds that you'll find this post offensive. You may even judge me for being so malicious with my words, which in any case is your right. It's also my right not to give 2 shits about your opinion AND the proverbial stick in your ass.

Anyway, to say that I've got PMS is an understatement of the year. Now my PMS isn't what you're thinking. It has jack nor shit to do with whore moans, uterine lining shedding, etc. It just simply stands for PISSY MOOD SYNDROME.

Sometimes I just get this way from time to time, and there is no rhyme or reason. As a woman, it's my god given right to be a bitch when I want to be. I earned that right simply by being born with a vagina. (Fat Daddy, you keeping count?) I think it's totally fair, too. I mean, I can actually bleed from it monthly for a few days straight and actually not die, so that must mean I've got some pretty awesome magical powers, right? I thought so too.

I wish I could blame my foul mood on myself this time, but unfortunately it's just not going to happen. So instead, I think I'll blame it on the kid next door who apparently has dreams of being the next Larry fucking Bird. (I don't know any popular white boy basketball pros these days. I don't enjoy watching sports on TV, remember? Don't judge me!) Now I'm all about being active and all, but sonofabitch, can't that kid find something else to do with his time? Watch TV? Surf the internet? Play the fucking Wii? Jac....

Nevermind

Our master bedroom is unfortunately in an area of the house where I can hear every dribble, shitty shot, and brick that kid manages to throw up there. I probably wouldn't be nearly as annoyed if he didn't always decide to play right when I was taking a nap, or watching tv, or for christ's sake trying to BLOG! This leads me to want to do things. Very bad things. Things that require someone in particular getting a fucking Wilson basketball shaped suppository. Oh, and by the way, I'm all out of lube...

Then there are others that I find myself coming into contact with, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that make me realize that some people are just so fucking stupid, selfish, hypocritical, and just plain clueless, that it's actually shocking. Did I mention that I'm difficult to shock?

So what do I do?

The safest thing possible. I stay home in an effort not to end up on the evening news. Or I go workout while I listen to foul and raunchy music. I happen to think it makes me a better person. I also want to take this time to switch gears and blame all of the rappers of today for my motherfucking vocabulary issue. Why not, ya know? Sons a bitches keeping a white girl down, snuffing out my extensive vocab that I learned as a debutant, and now I talk like one of those bitches and ho's off the street. Fuckers! Don't make me pop a cap, fool!

Anyway, you may wonder what happens to my family when my reserve for putting up with stupid fuckers runs on empty.

They run and hide, mostly. That's why I love them.

Brent has also figured out these rules fairly quickly. He's smart. Very smart. And despite what I say about him here, he's a quick study. It's for this reason alone that he can still take a piss without the aid of a catheter. He learned back in our dating days, that when evil Candice comes out to play, that it's best not to try and find out the source of her rage. (So now I'm a total douche for speaking about myself in 3rd person. Something else to be annoyed with...)THAT is the main reason why he's still around. Well, that and he's hung like a moose. Oh, and he also knows that going shopping usually helps my mood, so he actually encourages it. But he does so nonverbally, and without actually looking at me because he knows I will turn his bitch ass to stone like Medusa.

So after my trip to the mall, and my much overdue visit to get my nails done and my eyebrows ripped out my head, I'm finally feeling much better. The thing that really sent me back into the light was when Brent was getting ready to go to the gym. I actually saw that asshat putting on fucking knee socks! That's right. Motherfucking knee socks! Then when I almost passed out from shock/laughing so hard, he had the audacity to scrunch them down in an effort to make it all better!

So after telling him that no man younger than 80 fucking 2 should be allowed to wear those kinds of socks, I went through his drawer and threw the remaining old man socks into the trash.

Then it sort of hit me all at once. He certainly isn't the most fashion forward man alive, but it could be MUCH worse. I could be stuck with someone who wears knee socks, who is also hung like a fucking light switch, AND is a total self-centered dickhead to boot.

I win, people!

By the way, when I edited this post, I removed 7 fucks out of this verbal work of fucking art just out of respect for my readers who don't like such language.

You're welcome.


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Learned something new today. Flies drop deuces. Who knew?

I love it when my kids teach me new things. Things that I typically would never EVER think about. Like flies taking a shit, for example.

The other day I posted a video of that terrible moment in time when "we" killed the spider in the window. Remember that? I was horribly embarrassed when I lifted the blinds for the first time in 2 1/2 years and saw the carnage that was on the window sill. I was actually taken aback enough during my arachnophobic freak out that I noticed how dirty it was. let me put this in perspective for you, there was a spider in the window the size of a baby giraffe, and I still noticed.

Seriously? I keep a clean house people, but if you viewed that video you would probably think that we live in some filthy environment, and we most likely just squat in the corner to take a piss. Well, that's not too far off where Aidan is concerned to be honest, but still.

So today I made it my mission in life to vacuum all of the damn window sills. Talk about a shit job, man. In fact, I thought about calling Mike Rowe over here to do a segment for his TV show "Dirtiest Jobs". Probably would be his most popular episode yet!

I'm actually not opposed to doing all of the normal cleaning around here. In fact, some would probably say that I'm pretty anal (I'm going to regret this later...) about keeping my house clean. A characteristic that I get from my mother, no doubt. However, windows, blinds, baseboards, and the rest of that kind of crap is why I had a housekeeping service at one point. Unfortunately I fired them because they didn't clean up to my expectations. They kept moving my decor around and they didn't put it back in the right place. It was annoying. Oh, and I thought they would steal all of my jewelry, too. Their cleaning supplies also didn't smell as good as mine, but you know, whatever.

So anyway, I was chatting with my darling daughter today, and I told her that I was about to vacuum the window sills. Then she pointed out that I should pay close attention to the ones in the dining room because they have fly poop on them.

THE FUCK?

Fly poop? Oh hell nawl! Wait a second! Do flies really take shits? I mean, I've never really thought about it before, but OH.MY.GOD maybe they do! But do they leave evidence? They are LITTLE flies after all! If they did take a shit, wouldn't it just evaporate into the thin air?

So I went back and forth with Taylor about how she was wrong about the fly poop.

Taylor- They do too POOP!

Me- They do not!

Taylor- Yes they do!

Me- They SOOOO do not!!

Let me tell you, it was a real mature conversation.

So then I started to freak out a little bit. Sweet baby Jesus, what if she's right!? So I lifted the blinds and I saw lots of dust and a few black dots. She stated that the black dots were indeed the fly poop in question. Now how little flies can remain airborne with a little fly colon full of shit that size, I have no idea. We must have some healthy flies in these parts. Some serious fiber loving flies!

Then I hear Taylor scream...

Taylor- SEE!!!!! I told you! Fly poop!! HA!

Me- OH MY GOD!!! BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!!!

Now you know that I had to get a third opinion on this shit. So I just asked Brent straight up if flies crap. Unfortunately for me his answer was yes. He also verified that what was on the window sill was indeed fly shit, because in addition to being a know-it-all at life in general, he's apparently also an fucking entomologist now.

So a million things began to run through my mind. It's not like we even have many flies in our house. I mean, they do come in when the kids leave the door opened from time to time, and I suppose they DO find their way inside of the blinds. I specifically remember hearing them buzzing around in there on a few occasions, thinking they were too stupid to find their way out. Then I would begin to feel sorry for them because I knew they were going to be fried to a crisp soon enough, but not sorry enough to let them fly free. I guess while I was having my PETI moment, they were all busy dropping deuces on my window sill as their last hurrah. So you know what? Screw them!

But wait! With this new found knowledge I realized one thing. We have been breathing fly dook into our precious lungs for no telling how long! My God, what kind of Mother lets their kids breathe in fly shit exhaust? Seriously? Here I am allowing us all to live in squander, with fly turds hanging out on window sills, and killer spiders in the window... It's just horrible. *GASP* OHMYGOD! What if we catch the Hantavirus? I mean, it's possible right? Fly shit, mice shit. What's the damn difference?

So I busted out with the trusty Electrolux. The part of it that is still functioning, that is, and I got all the shit off of every window sill in the house. No more dust. No more fly caca. No more freaking spider webs. The best news is that I was so distraught about the fly feces that I wasn't even worried about seeing more spiders when I raised the blinds.

I'm cured!!

So anyway, tell the truth. Who is about to go and lift their blinds to inspect for fly shit?

Don't lie! I won't judge you, you filthy bastard.

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My Halloween observations. Feel free to add your own.

1. As a parent, if you find yourself dragging a cooler on wheels while you accompany your little one trick or treating, it might be time to admit you have a problem. Or maybe I'm just jealous.

2. I'm planning to start a group called POLA in my spare time. That stands for Parents Of Little Assholes. Allow me to explain. If your a big asshole with no manners, then odds are you will raise yourself a little asshole with no manners. If your kid comes up to my door and just grabs a metric assload of MY candy without saying trick-or-treat, Happy Halloween, thank you, or even so much as a kiss my ass, then you (the parents) should automatically get kicked in the balls, or the vagina, respectively. Teach your little shit some manners, people!

3. I'm apparently not creative at all when it comes to helping my kids pick out their Halloween costumes. I saw some pretty impressive costumes tonight. One little kid was Al Pacino. Had a white shirt, leather jacket, slicked back hair, and an AK-47 hanging from his belt loop.

Obviously Aidan is a scary skeleton.

I initially thought Taylor was a witch when we first purchased this outfit. After she put it on, I decided that it didn't look witchy at all. She looked more like an angst filled teenager to me.

4. If you are old enough to shave, sport wood, and drink legally, you might be too freaking old to trick or treat. Get the hell off my porch before I give you a prostate exam with the tip of my shoe.

5. Next year random accessories that do NOT match the costume will NOT be purchased. All they are good for is to poke someone's eye out. Or worse.

6. People around these parts need to use more birth control. It's pretty pathetic when you go through 100 bucks worth of candy in 2 hours. I had to bust out my own personal blow pop stash, and to be honest, I'm pretty pissed about it.

7. Come on now, you didn't think Bailey was going to get away without dressing up, did you? Very wrong you would be, sucka!


8. Just in case you were wondering, Yoda enjoys being entertained by only the finest of reading material. Don't get it twisted...

9. People really need to learn how to take a hint. When ALL of the lights are out, that means you shouldn't come and knock on my door and ring the doorbell over and over again. It annoys the piss out of me. Lights out is a good indication that THERE IS NO MORE CANDY! I know someone who needs to attend a POLA meeting!

10. I think the kids are finally asleep. Since I'm all out of candy to devour, it looks like I'll have to go and raid theirs. Like they will notice anyway.

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The hit on Larry was finally carried out. I have videographic evidence, and skid marks in my drawers. You're welcome.

He finally did it. Today Brent came home from work bearing gifts of great joy, which mainly consisted of a can of Raid, some cupcakes, and Halloween candy. Now typically I would have made an immediate move towards the cupcakes, however, today the most important item was the Raid.

I knew Larry was about to go down. I was going to be free of his ass once and for all.

Just a few observations before I post this video.

1. I suck at recording videos

2. Editing blows.

3. It's long as hell. This spider killing went on for about 25 minutes, and I was able to edit it down to less than 8. I take back what I said earlier. I fucking rock!

4. Aidan was holding the can of Raid, but he never actually participated in the killing, nor would I have let him. Unless Brent was out of town or something, in that case I would have given him extra allowance to kill the damn thing.

5. I apologize for the language... sort of. I mean, I do feel guilty for my verbal diarrhea, especailly since Aidan was around. To be honest, I was so freaked out that if the Pope would have been in my house, the same F-bombs would have flown freely. I'll say some Our Father's tonight. It's all good.

6. My throat hurts. You'll see why.

7. I'm calling the housekeeping service that we have used in the past, and I'm setting up and appointment tomorrow. You'll also see why.

8. I'm scared of spiders.

9. I need help.

That is all.





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